“I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow’s storm brewing on some open land where you can see tomorrow’s storm brewing over a high desert. I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way…. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

“I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

“Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn’t all happening at once.

“Time has pressed you and me into a book, too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will be come what was. This is from where story stems, the stuff of its construction lying at our feet like cut strips of philosophy. I sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can’t find the edge, and ask God what it means. Did You really do all of this to dazzle us? Do You really keep it shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction. And God forbid we would ignore Your glory.”

Excerpt from the author’s note of
“Through Painted Deserts”
by Donald Miller.

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Last night we were invited to play at Toy Bar, on one of the main roads in Pattaya. My team joined with some old team members that used to work with us in Pattaya, Russ Pennington and his daughter Brentley. We had a great set of fun songs, love songs, and worship. We invited a girl that is at the Tamar Center that used to work in bars share her testimony of how she came to know God and the peace He brings to her life. After that, Phet sang a popular Thai love song, and Christians in the crowd spontaneously began to buy roses from street vendors and give them to all of the girls that worked in the bar. As we did so, we could feel God’s love fill the bar, the surrounding area, and touch each person. Later in the evening, we offered to pray for anyone who was sick or hurting, and we had a chance to pray for a lot of people who didn’t know God that night. We were also able to further develop the relationship we already had with the bar manager, and invited she and any of her girls to come visit us at our office, attend any of our classes, or just hang out with us at our church fellowship.

For me, it was really good to throw myself immediately back into the kind of stuff that I am in Thailand for, to worship God and see God’s presence and love permeate the area.

P.S. Does anyone have any advice on how to play a tambourine without getting a crazy bruise on your hand?

I was watching the Kennedy kids the other night (MKs with another organization in Pattaya), and Rayanne decided to put on some music while we made cookies. First song she went to was Jars of Clay’s song “Worlds Apart”. Geez, I haven’t heard that song in years. I remember when they used to be so popular (I think I was in high school). I remember hearing this song played and being sung along with countless times, and I’m sure I joined in once or twice myself.

Hearing the song for the first time in years, the lyrics really hit me hard, like a punch in the stomach. What gets me, is when I was in high school singing this, would I have sung along if I knew what having my world taken apart would come to look like? I probably understood a lot more than most high schoolers at the time, having been raised by missionary parents who constantly gave everything to serve God. But, honestly, I’m not sure even now if I can handle having my world constantly dismantled, even when I KNOW it’s being rebuilt into something better, stronger, and more useful for God’s Kingdom.

I’ve been questioning whether or not I can really handle this life here in Pattaya. Sometimes parts of me wants “normal”, especially normal friendships. People come and go so quickly around here, and the part of me that tries to find comfort and normalcy in my relationships is saying I can’t keep doing this. The constant goodbyes are too hard, and every time it feels like the ground’s dropping from beneath me. But, really, it shouldn’t. My only Rock and comfort should be God. I know this. But can I really walk this out?

So, can I honestly sing “take my world apart”? Maybe with conditions…. like, take my world apart if I know You (God) are going to give me something better, or make something better of me, or do something really miraculous and great that makes me feel like it’s all been worth it. I confess, in my mind, I think I probably often try to put a lot of these conditions on my “surrender” to God.

Can any of us sing this song and truly mean it? With no conditions? God, I hope I get there.

“Worlds Apart”

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you – take my world apart
To need you – I am on my knees
To love you – take my world apart
To need you – broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

My brother Josh’s recent blog about names got me thinking a bit. What is in the power of a name? The Bible (Proverbs 18:21) states that “The tongue has the power of life and death”. I believe in and have experienced the power of words, in both good and bad ways. What about names? Is there power or some deep spiritual meaning or gifting associated with the name my parents chose for me?

I decided to research the meaning of my name a bit more. Here’s the meaning of “Jessica”, according to Wikipedia…

Jessica is a female given name. It’s originally found as the name of a character in Shakespeare’s play The Merchant of Venice, where it belongs to the daughter of Shylock. One theory of how Shakespeare created the name is that he altered Jesca, the form of the name of a daughter of Haran briefly mentioned in the book of Genesis. Though Jesca was the form of the name used in English language Bibles available to Shakespeare, the King James Version of the Bible and subsequent translations refer to this person as Iscah. [1] Jesca or Iscah is derived from the Hebrew Yiskah (????????), meaning “foresight” (being able to see the potential in the future), although some say that it means “wealthy”.

The Hebrew root sakhah (?.?.?) means “to see,” so the name Yiskah, with the added yud, implies foresight or clairvoyance. There is midrash by Rashi suggesting that Yiskah is also a name for Sarah, so the meaning of this name makes sense for two reasons: people would gaze at her beauty, and she was known to be a prophetess.

“Jessica” was the most popular female baby name throughout the 1980s[2] and 1990s[3] in the United States. It also rose to # 1 in England and Wales in 2005, dropping to # 3 in 2006.[4] Common abbreviations of the name Jessica include “Jess” and “Jessie.”

According to Wikipedia, the meaning of my middle name Lynn is as follows: “Lynn was originally a surname in the Irish or Welsh regions, given to persons who lived near a waterfall. The surname originated in the 12th or 13th centuries and eventually became a given name. Lynn is a female given name which comes from a Gaelic word meaning ‘waterfall.’”

So, I guess my name Jessica Lynn means that I’m a prophetic waterfall. Interesting… But if I had been named something else, would my whole physical and spiritual makeup and destiny be changed?

What do you think?

Got back in to Thailand a few days ago. Doing fairly well at recovering from jet lag. I think it’ll take another week or so for me to feel on solid ground again.

That’s it for now. I’m tired. But I thought you should know that I am here and well.

Oh, I added a category of links (look to the right) on my blog page that is a bunch of different wish lists I have. Tons of people are always asking me what to send in care packages. Well, depending on who you’d like to help out, and what you’d like to get, check out the different categories and you can see exactly what kinds of stuff I (or others in Pattaya) want or need. Hope it’s helpful. Please check stuff off if you’re buying it, so I don’t get multiples of stuff I don’t need multiples of. It’s still a work in progress. More categories and many more items wanted to come soon.

Love.

Check out an article I wrote for my friend Lauren’s Hope Ink Magazine right HERE

I have an idea. I think I’m going to take Pattaya with a storm of crocheting and conversation. Seriously, I mean, every girl (and many of the boys) in Pattaya want to learn English. That’s a draw. Another thing they really need is a marketable skill, such as crocheting and sewing and stuff like that. I know crocheting is a long shot as a career option, but at least it’s something you can do while talking. So what would happen if I start English and crocheting (using Chiang Mai cotton yarn, of course!) classes every week, and invite girls and guys from the bars to come hang out with me? I think it’ll be great.

I got my return ticket for Thailand yesterday…. I will fly out of LAX next Tuesday, and arrive I guess in the middle of the night on Thursday in Thailand. Woo hoooooo!

I am still very much in need of monthly supporters, so please keep praying for that to come together soon, and let me know if you can support me monthly… even just $10 a month is awesome!

I’ve had a ton of fun here (as evidenced by the photo of me at the Strawberry Festival), but I’m so ready to get home to Thailand!

Blessings!

I smile every time I hear this song…